Ivan’s facial expression remained unchanged after hearing the nefarious accusation. He calmly place the tattered manila envelope on overpriced Baleri Italia table creating the perfect contrast of elegance and amateurishness. Ivan started pulling out specific documents and pointing out their best attempts at evidence were just documented observation. Ivan’s voice had taken on a somber note. “We are missing proper forensic investigation documentation and unfortunately when this happened the police closed it as a typical suicide with no foul play involved.” Sebastian’s erratic breathing sounded powerful enough to propel a steam locomotive. Ivan continued “I share your sentiments Sebastian, the newly found evidence is enough for vigilant retribution but what about consequences?” Sebastian put his hands up in frustration and started to explain his own personal justification. “We started this inquisition with the intent to find out why our brother killed himself and along the way we discovered he wasn’t depressed, precisely why he didn’t leave a note.” Sebastian now standing vocalizing more hypothesis “You talked to his friend yourself. You said they were planning to trip on acid the day he died and our brother had befriended a suspicious older man who was going to supply the drugs. We’re not talking about your typical dope dealer.” Sebastian continued his caustic accusations. “Ivan, you can’t not think this guy could have been some sick child molesting freak or maybe just a serial killer that stumbled on a good opportunity, an easy target our own brother!” His words becoming obloquy and his eyes filling with tears. Ivan agreed with everything he was saying but he had to breath reason back into the conversation. “Calm down! Smoke a cigarette or take a seat in that fancy chair of mine you like so much, but listen to reason before you lose control.” Sebastian returned to his previous seat lighting a cigarette with his monogram Zippo lighter, resting his forehead on the cool surface of the black walnut table. Ivan knew this would be a difficult conversation to continue. “I’ll brew us some more tea or would you prefer something a bit stronger?” The only motion Sebastian made was a thumbs up in accordance with being served alcohol.
The 18″ x 24″ sign glowed blue from the xenon headlights making it easily readable, neon soaked digits a two and five. Sebastian had been in a great rush to meet Ivan but now he sat like a stone in the driver seat of his car. He was trying to formulate a valid excuse for his absence and lack of his own research. His cigarette smoke departed through the sun roof and thumping bass lines escaped through the trunk. Maybe Ivan would be so impressed with his own discovery that he wouldn’t even question his lacking motivation. A sudden knocking against glass just inches away from Sebastian’s head brought him back into reality. “When you park in front of my house, would you at least have the respect to turn down your music?” Ivan bending down talking into the driver’s window. “I don’t know why you have to listen to Nine Inch Nails so loud, I’ve heard them before and they don’t have the merit for permanent ear damage.” With his lecture finished he lifted the car door handle allowing Sebastian to vacate the vehicle. Sebastian started verbally fumbling excuses why he hadn’t been available all day. Ivan dismissed his apologies while walking him into his house, greeted with the aroma of Earl Grey being steeped. Sebastian took his favorite seat the Eames lounge and ottoman. Stretching his arms above his head and displaying a satisfied grin he stated “This is the way to relax.” Ivan giving him a snide glance replied “Yes, I do prefer my furniture inside my home, where as you seem to enjoy being inside your little sport car more than your own bed.” Ivan placed two Lenox fine bone tea cups and saucers on the table, silently suggesting Sebastian resituate to the table for a serious conversation. Ivan told his story about meeting their older brothers schoolmate and supposed friend. Ivan talked for almost thirty minutes without leaving any opening for disputes. He explained everything in great detail leaving Sebastian in awe, brow furrowed and jaw dropped. Their tea had become cold but neither of them even noticed because the story had confirmed many of their malevolent suspicions. While Ivan paused to taste the now bitter liquid, Sebastian used this moment to say what they had both thought for years but never said until now. “Murder!”
Ivan had dismembered the folder, making a perfectly disorganized mess of papers. He was trying to read all the information they had accumulated in no particular order. He was hoping the lack of time-line would reveal a new dimension of thought. After hours of reading already memorized history Ivan did see something new, born from chaos. He was blankly staring at a photocopied picture of a school yearbook and in this black and white snapshot, a hand written telephone number. Ivan quickly grabbed the page as if it had caught fire and needed extinguishing. His mind tangled with expectation and apprehension. The telephone number was probably more than twenty years old but it was his only new lead to follow. Without even thinking Ivan dialed the number without even thinking of what he would say if someone actually answered. Holding the phone to his ear he listened for almost thirty seconds, he would continued listening for thirty more if it meant someone would eventually answer their sides inbound ringing. “Hello?” The voice camouflaged with sleep. The person on the other end cleared their throat and asked “Hello? Is anyone there?” Ivan astonished the telephone number was in working order and even better that they were awake and hopefully willing to talk. Ivan quickly replied to their inquiry, “Yes. I’m here… My name is Ivan, if only I could have one moment to ask you a few questions?” The line went deafly silent. Ivan thought the call had been disconnected. Instinctively Ivan spoke into the phone’s receiver “Hello?” Silence continued for a few seconds. “Hold yer’ horses, okay.” The voice didn’t sound as blanketed in sleep as before. “What are yer’ questions and why are they so urgent to call so early?” Ivan didn’t even check the time before dialing the phone number. Hastily looking towards his 1850s L. Japy Frères clock displaying six twenty-seven. While Ivan’s eyes and mind diverted realizing he had forgotten to sleep. “You’d better not be some telemarketer.” Ivan cleared his throat. “No, I assure you I’m not trying to be any annoyance to you sir and I apologize for the early call and any inconvenience.” Ivan feeling calm and collected he continued his questioning. “My name is Ivan and I’m doing some research on my family tree and your number showed up as a classmate of my deceased older brother.” He had told a small lie about how he obtained the phone number, but he certainly didn’t want to scare anyone with words like ‘investigation’. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll do my best to help, what was your brother’s name?” Ivan leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on his kitchen table, he was feeling confident. “Actually, I haven’t told you his name yet. I was actually shocked to learn this phone number was still in service.” Ivan interrupted by his brothers assumed classmate. “Well, sir, …eh I-I-Ivan. The phone number you dialed is actually my mothers and I’ve fallen on hard times like so many others in this bad economy. You have great timing to reach me here.” Ivan spent the next twenty minutes explaining that it would be great if they could meet in person and go over a few things from the past. The only convincing required was to buy breakfast. Ivan didn’t have any expectations of Sebastian being awake at such an early hour, he left a voice mail on Sebastian’s cellphone as he was driving to meet his new ‘out of work, down on his luck’ informant.
No song birds singing, no sun shining. Sebastian had slept through all the daylight hours. His two computer LCD monitors were projecting plenty of synthetic light. Laying on his bed was an uncapped empty prescription bottle and an insistently blinking cellphone attempting to notify him of his slothfulness. Sebastian attempting to wake himself started narrating. “I didn’t need the sun today anyway.. but I do need some caffeine.” Finishing his thoughts with a yawn. He grabbed his phone, looking at the display screen it listed one missed call and one voice mail. Sebastian wiping sleep from his eyes puts the phone to his still groggy head. The automated monotone robotic voice explaining his options to listen to the recorded message almost put Sebastian back to sleep. Suddenly a very excited voice started projecting into his ear ten decimals too high. “Sebastian, wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!” Rolling his eyes Sebastian knew it was Ivan and he obviously was either pissed about missing our opportunity to seize the day or annoyed about something I wasn’t able to do while sleeping. “Sebastian, I’m not an idiot. I know you’re asleep and it’s pointless for me to tell you to wake up in a message you wont get until you actually do wake up, but I have big, no-no, huge news!” Hearing this Sebastian felt more awake than any energy drink could provide. Ivan continued “I actually found somebody who knew our brother. A friend of his to be exact. He agreed to meet with us and explain his final impressions on the last few days of them being together. He was with our brother the day before he died.” The message ended, and the robotic voice started inquiring about options for saving the recorded content. Sebastian disconnected the call and started gathering the necessary items for travel including a handful of Vicodin. Less than ten minutes passed before Sebastian strapped into his Acura NSX Type-R pressing the gas pedal.
Ivan couldn’t wait all day for Sebastian to answer his message, he had to proceed…
The door slammed shut making the door knocker ring out its metallic notes as it settled. Ivan stood in the foyer holding the folder at his side, the contents spilling out from either end. They had agreed to proceed with their investigation tomorrow, but this didn’t stop Ivan from sitting down at his kitchen table organizing and reading all the frayed documents. He knew that when Sebastian said tomorrow, he didn’t mean first thing in the morning over breakfast coffee. Ivan decided he’d be proactive and continue researching until his mind couldn’t make sense of the words printed on the documents, until his body moved at the pace of a snail. Determined to figure out what really happened to his brother eighteen years ago. When he first learned of his brothers demise was also the first time he had to learn what the word suicide meant. When we’re children we expect parents to protect our naïve minds from such atrocities. The teaching Ivan had been handed were to ostracize his brothers taboo actions. Throughout life this mode of thinking became accepted by Ivan, it even became a moral standpoint. The words of our guardians become ultimate truths sometimes, and not only did Ivan believe suicide was wrong but so did his younger brother Sebastian.
The car door locked, imprisoning Sebastian within his thirty thousand dollar cell. The instrument panel’s iridescent glow was bright enough for Sebastian to finger the desired amount of prescription pain killers hiding inside the console. He wasn’t suffering from any pain, at least not physical. Sebastian involved in a love affair of drug abuse, her name was Vicodin. The pills made a distinct sound bouncing off his teeth and down his throat. He had stared at the dashboard clock for an indeterminable amount of time. The digits 12:00 blinked in succession. Sebastian started to feel the effects of the Vicodin. He turned the ignition switch into its final phase, moved the gear shift into drive, rotated the windshield wipers into intermediate sweeps and buckled his seat belt. His foot still resting on the brake pedal, confused why his vision was still obstructed by the light rain even after the wipers had made their way across the glass more than a few times. Sebastian cursed aloud “fuck! What could possibly be wrong now?” In his frustration he pressed his hands against his face, moving them in vertical motions. While hiding his face from the speedometer he couldn’t help but think of all the contents of Ivan’s folder. Sebastian removed his tear soaked fingers revealing a clear windshield.
“Suicide.” Ivan let the word escape his mouth as if he were saying it aloud for the first time. His tongue and lips contorting, holding each syllable as if every letter had a unique meaning. He was staring at Sebastian, hoping for any type of retaliation to his one word sentence. Nearly five minutes passed without either of them saying anything. Neither of them had to explain to whom the word was in reference. After twenty or more clicks on the retractable thumb plunger, Sebastian mindlessly read the side of the pen he was holding “ultra fine point permanent marker”. He was hoping this boring observation would change the subject, even if the new subject was on ink pen preference or the cost of cheap pens, anything but suicide. Sebastian’s sideways glance revealed Ivan deep in thought, obviously not even noticing his vain attempt at changing the conversation topic. Resting his left hand on his face that connected to his elbow resting on the standard sized manila folder containing the coroner report. The file was bulging with official documents and news paper clippings both original and photocopied. Pages were protruding from being forced into a folder designed to only contain a few 8×10 pieces of paper. The two of them had assembled hand drafted hypothesis, guesswork, opinion, speculation, presumption. They were lacking evidence and facts. Sebastian cleared his throat, “Maybe we should give it a rest? At least until”. Ivan cut his proposition short with a loud snort, then a frustrated sigh. Only a few seconds of silence passed. “Sure, what were you going to say?” Sebastian continued talking slowly and calm, as to not increase the already present tension. “All I was suggesting was that we do a little more research and maybe continue this over coffee tomorrow?” Ivan relinquished the bloated folder from beneath Sebastian’s elbow, making Sebastian take quick evasive maneuvers as to not let his tired head collapse on the desk. Avoiding cranium collision followed a dexterous movement, Sebastian extended his arm to check his wrist watch for the time. Tapping the acrylic face of his watch Sebastian stated “It’s almost 4am, as agreed we’ll continue this tomorrow.”
These words becoming a mantra in my mind while I hand write my credentials on the paper application for employment. This application discriminates anyone who has had more than 4yrs of college, and had more than 3 full times jobs.
Lets start from the beginning, shall we?
I received to phone calls in succession. One my lawyer, two the United States District Attorney David Gerrison, and not in that order. My Second social security number is now being linked back to me via; the school I attend in the Czech Republic. I have to explain my funding allocation for attending a online surgeons practice course. Not a problem, the class was under 10,000USD my lawyer has already found me an outreach and teach program that will post date a check for my acceptance. Second problem, FDIC is determined to see some type of check with my real name printed on it. Thus the applying at a Chevron, one of America’s 5 largest corporations. If only they knew the truth… Sometimes even I get confused at my motivations and reasoning…
The sun disintegrates. I realize the person I wish I had become died when I started the thought of becoming more than a man. There isn’t enough numbers in the sentence and the formula is missing too many letters. I wear a cat on my head as a hat. Ulrike, what do you think about that? Bitches love me cause they know that I can rock: rhyme: fuck: throughout the projects. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. I wanna give you some drugs, and I hope that you like’em baby. Pussy all night. Intel inside. Everyone asked me to quit dancing. I found the original. A plethora of noises that aren’t typeable.
“Dear Mr.Holden… I wish you would reply to my emails! I send you all my most personal thoughts, I think about you all the time. I even think about you when I sleep. I’ve gone out of my way to be partt of your life. I talked to your friend and he didnt know your real name, he didnt know you were a writer either. He knows a different cole than I know. Why do you go to school and use a fake name? Why is your facebook name moklebust? Why do use so many different names? I sent this email to 4 of your email accounts. I sent a printed copy to your house. I noticed you blocked me from commenting on your localgoth page & you turned off the comments on your personal journal. I’m going to extreme to get your attention. I want you to know me! I want you to answer me. comeplete me. I’ve told you so many times how amazing you are. why are you ignoring somebody who acttually understands you. I tried to get your attention one day, you were on your cellphone at walgreens and you walked outside and i took all my courage and complimented your watch. you didnt even say thank you. i realize you were busy and i know your a very important person but i would have made love to you and kissed you right ther on the sidewalk. you ignored me but i forgive you. and i still want to meet you. do you have any idea how much i love you?? I read everything you write will you at least tell me your real name?”